I celebrated my 18th birthday on the 4th July so I'm now legally allowed to watch 18-rated films, drink and vote. Not that I care so much about the voting, I've never been one for politics, but hey! Maybe I will. I went to the theatre the other day and I bought a Malibu and Coke just because I could, it was a great feeling. ;) Only problem is, before you're 18 you get asked for ID every single damn place you go, but oh no - as soon as you become a legal adult... it's like they KNOW. There isn't much satisfaction that comes from asking for a drink legally without being ID'ed. I don't want to grow up though, yes I can legally do all this stuff that I couldn't do before but I will never get the same amount of satisfaction as I had when I was a child - when anything could have surprised me, when I found the littlest things so absurdly amazing. I want to remain a child inside. I want to be Peter Pan. I'm an 18 year old Peter Pan.
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You know that place between sleep and awake...
the place where you can still remember dreaming?
That's where I'll always love you.
That's where I'll be waiting.
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I've had a musical theatre week since writing here - I took a friend along to see We Will Rock You at the birmingham Hippodrome and I would recommend it to anyone who likes Queen. When you tell people they automatically assume it's one of those things that completely ruins the music and is a big cheese-ball fest but no, it was simply amazing and a real good time. On Saturday Mum, Auntie Rosena, and my friend Cynthia and I went down to London so me and Cynth could see Wicked. It was a really nice day, and I'm happy to say, she LOVED it. Waiting at the stage door in the rain has never been so fun.
I did have a scare on Friday night though, it's quite funny. Cynthesis stopped over night and about 2am in the morning, I was lying on the blow up bed in the living room floor, with her on the sofa, the cat at my feet... I sat up and actually believed the cat was dead. My heart started racing, she wasn't moving, I actually started nudging the cat going 'Cynthia, I've killed the cat, I've killed the cat...' - I've never seen my cat fully asleep, only snoozing because she stays downstairs in the utility usually... so there she was, most probably fast asleep with me shaking her and she stays in the same position and I'm panicking. Until she opens her eyes and gives me what can only be described as a cat's death stare. Well I'm SORRY if I love my cat so much. Hmph.
My driving test is coming up real quick, it's very very soon. The same time, same date as my friends. If one of us fails, one of us passes, oh it's gonna be so bad. If I pass it will make this year a whole lot better, because I could do with some luck/happiness. I'd also like to say Happy Birthday to my Mum yesterday, I'm sure she wouldn't like me to comment on her age but even if she is 49 I still love her. ;)
It's not long now until the results of my A2 year at college, well... a month or so. I honestly don't think I've done very well due to various reasons this past year... distractions, depression... and I don't think I could have done much better. Life is full of bad timing, and the problems I've endured this year are certainly bad timing. As long as I know the reasoning behind the results, whether good or bad, then it's fine for me - I did my best in the circumstances given. The only way I can describe what earlier this year felt like is the phrase I saw whilst reading New Moon which stood out for me:
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It's like heaven, slap bang in the middle of hell.
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The majority was hell, but the times with him were heaven. College was the last of my worries so I fell behind, and if I could have focused and been happier, I would have. So, good luck to everyone who will be receiving their results soon, be proud of them whatever they are!
Last of all, I have been feeling differently lately, yes I'm fairly happy but there is an underlying nagging that crops up and I don't know what it is exactly. I know what triggers it, yes, the same problem that's been there since November last year. When I say I'm meh, when I'm just okay, it's because I can remember. I'm having a bad day because I'm playing all the good memories in my head that have happened, and I don't think anyone can grasp a concept of what he meant... no, what he means to me. Nothing will ever change that, and I don't think I'll feel the same way about anyone for ages. I hope I will eventually. If you know what it feels like to lose the ability to hate due to love, then you will understand. I hope one day I can wake up and ignore the old feelings, the memories that remind me how special that whole time was, the most exhilarating, alive, confusing and depressing period of time in my life. Until then I'll smile, get up, go out, go to sleep and try my hardest to push it aside because as they say - all good things must come to an end.
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