I decided to create this blog because, well... I'm always telling myself I'll keep a diary, I'll write down my thoughts, the usual crap that never gets done and I thought, well, I'm more likely to keep writing in here than in a normal diary, so here goes. Wish me luck!
Before you begin, be warned that this probably won't be as interesting as some other people's blogs, my life at the moment is one big continuous cycle of work, exams, inner stress and loneliness. To start on a morbid note, 2009 has been the worst year of my life. Not because of all the exams, not because I have to go to work every week, no I expect that... but because I have finally learned what it feels like to love. It's true what they say - love hurts. Before now, my life has always been easy, waking up each day, not caring what others thought of me, feeling like I had the biggest problems in the world when I couldn't get my homework in on time, when I had a silly little fight with another ex-friend. Those are all miniscule problems to me now. On a plus side however, I have got my drama performance out of the way, and also my art exam. :) Two down, about five or six more exams to go. :)
So anyway, I won't go into detail as it would be the ultimate cheesy blog and you really don't want to hear it, but although it may appear to many people that I've been okay, that I've been doing fine (and to tell you the truth, I am getting better...) this year, they couldn't be more wrong. The main reason because it's been an inner battle. I've never been someone who is able to become best friends easily, I've never had that one person to rely on and when I thought I had, they've disappeared. Sure, I'm not afraid to make friends, I have many... I'm as open and loud as a person can be, but one thing I've learned this year, is I can never be good enough. And that's the hardest part. It's always been the case, and it usually hasn't bothered me, my main thought process has always been - if they don't want me, fuck 'em! and I'm sure I'll continue to use this in the future. I've never really latched on to people, I see some friends who go through boyfriend after boyfriend and I wonder, how do they do it? Are my standards just too high?
And then after 17 years, I finally meet someone who I'm comfortable around, who bothers to contact me and see how I am, who makes me smile when I'm with or without him. Now people have asked me - 'How do you know you're in love? You've never experienced it before, so how do you know?' To be honest, I don't know... but I definitely do know that I would not have gone through the months of internal pain, of self-doubt and inner struggle for something as simple as a crush. And now I've gone and lost that person, that one person who I put all my hope and trust in, and standing back and looking at the situation as a whole, it's just a repetition of the way my life has always been, just on a bigger level.
One day I'll find someone, a friend or a partner who will make it their priority to not let me down, to be there for me and actually bother to spend time with me, because they want to, not because they feel they need to because I've asked them. I've never been so lonely, 2009 is one big pile of shit for me, and I really can't wait until the summer when I can relax and realise who my true friends are, because at the moment, my only true friends are my Mum, Dad and family. I really don't know what I'd do without them.
Now we're heading towards the summer, this year is finally looking a little brighter for me, I spend less time crying and more time laughing. I'm determined to go back to my old ways, because I'm fed up of caring about people who don't give a shit. Bring on the end of exams, the end of college, the day trips and Cyprus, it's just what I need to finally get rid of that sinking feeling that has dominated me since December. I want someone to share these things with. I just want to be me again.
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