Aloha!

Okay so the weather's been REALLY nice this week which has put me in an optimistic mood. Although I do find it annoying when people say they love the sunshine and then sit inside on the laptop or in front of the TV when they could be outside making the most of the good side of English weather. I am one of those people - GUILTY. Saturday was amazing though, I suggested going for a walk around the block with Mum (which we never do, NEVER) and she actually agreed. So off we went, up the road with her trying to teach me all about the different types of flowers we saw... so far as I'm concerned, red flowers are roses, yellow are daffodils and purpley blue are bluebells. Life is so much simpler that way. :) When I'm older, I'm gonna have a rose/daffodil/bluebell themed garden.

So anyway it went a bit further than a walk around the block, we actually walked for 5 or 6 miles... we didn't measure it of course, just a random guess. We walked out of Coton Green into Hopwas and up the canal and down country lanes. I actually felt free, to be honest, which is so gay, ahah. Just walking peacefully alongside the canal is so refreshing, to be able to get out of the world of technology and appreciate everything for what it is, because everyone takes it for granted nowadays, including me. I offered to push Mum into the canal so we could have one of those funny memories to remember, y'know - 'hey mum, remember that time I pushed you in the canal?!' Just so you can say you fell into a canal, but no, she wasn't with me on that. I swear I saw a grass snake though, which is so cool, it disappeared into the bushes really quickly but I know I saw this big tail slithering in. And it wasn't a mouse or anything, unless it was a disturbingly big mouse. The ducklings are so cute though, they see you and go charging into the canal - am I really that dangerous?

We saw these two donkeys by their barn thing so I did my amazing impression of a donkey which consisted of 'EE-OR!' and they actually looked up and came over. I now know what I was in my previous life. And then they used their donkey powers to make me feed them grass and kept butting their noses in my face... SO cute. And then I had to go to work, so we went home, I reluctantly got dressed into my black uniform (... too hottt) and Dad drove me to work. 10 minutes into my shift I hear - 'hey Sarah, it's empty here. Wanna go home?' Apparently the manager had said wait until she gets here before asking her... ever heard of a phone, or just general common sense? So Dad got a bit annoyed and picked me back up and we went for a drive in his Caterham kit car which is so not cool for girls but men love it, and I do. I'm a man! It's low down to the ground, really loud with no roof, so it's awesome in sunny weather. It makes me feel free as well. FREEDOM!

Unfortunately on the Sunday I had to work 10:15 - 6:00 so I missed out on the 20C weather...

So after months of learning to drive, I finally got off my lazy arse and booked my theory test. It will be next Tuesday and I'm pretty sure I'll fail - not because I'm a pessimist (okay, I am) but because I'm not too good at the whole theory thing. I'll just revise my ass off before it, I don't wanna pay another £30 for it if I fail. I also bought some fake tan the other day which is SO not me, I'm not superficial at all, but I'm so fed up of my legs being pale and chicken-ified that I thought I might try it. I got that Piz Buin colour dial one, which was expensive but so worth it! I'm a new found goddess! And I'm worth it!

I got some news today, relating to the whole first post situation but you know what, I've had enough of being screwed over. Fuck you. I have my fake tan, my grass snakes and my donkey feeding powers so... I'M READY TO FACE THE WORLD! :)

3 weeks of college left. 2009 = getting better.

Peace out.

One Week Later...

Hello again! :) I don't know if many people read this, so really... it's for my own benefit. It's sad I'm expressing myself to a blog rather than a person but if that's the way it goes, so be it. :)

So, where to start... I've been doing a lot better since my last post, which is good. I haven't really done much though, so it's not like I have tons to write about, and it's harder to write when you're feeling happy. You can't express your inner-most feelings if you're feeling good other than - 'I'm happy.' Whereas when you're down you can rant like you're going to die tomorrow and ranting is the only thing you've got left to do. So yeah, happy Sarah is back for the time-being and I have a feeling this year is going to get a lot better. I'd just like to say that although I rant and rave in my previous post about having no-one (I meant it in terms of... y'know, your other half, whether it be best friend or boyfriend) I do have many amazing friends which do deserve to know how much they mean to me, but there are way too many. Zoe, for one has been amazing and deserves a mention because I know she's always there for me (until she buggers off to Cyprus that is), but until then, I know I have her and I cannot wait for 9th June. Whatever you've got planned, I bet it'll be good. :) Also, thankyou to Cynthesis for just being a right good laugh, you're brilliant - bring on 11th July! Everyone else knows who they are.

So... since last week I have had two exams, both practical for drama and french. I must admit they both went pretty well; I at least kept the conversation going in my french oral exam which makes a change from freezing up and wishing I wasn't there. I'm not expecting an A grade or anything, but it seemed better than last year in some way, or is that me being too optimistic? Lets face it, it's not my best subject. Drama went well, I didn't miss any lines at all, remembered them all without any difficulty and I believe I tried my best, aside from the stupid mistake I made of going on for the wrong scene in the wrong costume. Luckily, I realized just before I started talking. Lets hope the examiner didn't notice... okay she blatantly did. I've also finished my A Level art for the year! :) One subject down! I can't wait for my art course next year though.

Last night I went to see Julias Caesar at the Courtyard Theatre in Stratford for drama class and whilst I was able to appreciate the acting, costumes, lighting, effort, this and that, such and much, and so on and so forth, it's really not my type of thing - I've never been one for Shakespeare and I've never got the whole 'he's a genius' thing, but if you like him then that's good, go you! I even forgot about the play until on the actual day someone reminded me that I wasn't going home after college, I was going to Stratford. I know you're probably thinking... well you're just really narrow minded and aren't able to understand the structure and message of his plays... well you know what, you're absolutely right.

I'd especially like to thank Danni and Rach in the backseat of the minibus for entertaining me oh so much with musical singing and the - at the end of a journey when you're exhausted and everyone has stopped talking - poses, and also Cynthia for stepping in dogpoo.

I've also just booked tickets for Wicked again, yes I am that sad and I'll admit it, but if you really like something, why watch it once and then go - oh well I've seen it, why do I need to go again? Besides, if you know me you probably understand that I don't just 'like' things, I go into frenzied obsessions. Instead of having a 'like' button on Facebook, they should have a 'LOVE' button... or maybe even an 'OBSESSED' button. But anyway, Wicked is the main one really, and Johnny Depp. I get really into things, and life is more exciting that way - you've always got something to look forward to, to cheer you up. I've relied on the TV show F.R.I.E.N.D.S to get me through this year and I wouldn't have done half as well without watching that everyday to make me feel a little better, so thankyou David Crane and Marta Kouffman, if they are indeed your names, spelled correctly. I've also decided that I want a professional camera - I've always been one of those cheesy 'capture the memories' people who is constantly shoving a camera in your face, and I've always loved photography so I'm hoping one day I'll be able to own a professional one. I hate it when you're out and about and you find yourself in a really beautiful place or by something you really want to remember, and you don't have a camera. I've got back into art recently, I never really got out of it but my mind has been a little less occupied, and I'm able to relax and do some art. The last 2 portraits I have done I'm particularly proud of. Here is the link to my deviant-art account for anyone who wants to see: http://sarah789.deviantart.com/

So although it's probably not as meaningful as the other one, there is my updated blog.

I'm happier, and that's all that matters.

Take care.

Hello Bonjour!

Right, so... hey!

I decided to create this blog because, well... I'm always telling myself I'll keep a diary, I'll write down my thoughts, the usual crap that never gets done and I thought, well, I'm more likely to keep writing in here than in a normal diary, so here goes. Wish me luck!

Before you begin, be warned that this probably won't be as interesting as some other people's blogs, my life at the moment is one big continuous cycle of work, exams, inner stress and loneliness. To start on a morbid note, 2009 has been the worst year of my life. Not because of all the exams, not because I have to go to work every week, no I expect that... but because I have finally learned what it feels like to love. It's true what they say - love hurts. Before now, my life has always been easy, waking up each day, not caring what others thought of me, feeling like I had the biggest problems in the world when I couldn't get my homework in on time, when I had a silly little fight with another ex-friend. Those are all miniscule problems to me now. On a plus side however, I have got my drama performance out of the way, and also my art exam. :) Two down, about five or six more exams to go. :) 

So anyway, I won't go into detail as it would be the ultimate cheesy blog and you really don't want to hear it, but although it may appear to many people that I've been okay, that I've been doing fine (and to tell you the truth, I am getting better...) this year, they couldn't be more wrong. The main reason because it's been an inner battle. I've never been someone who is able to become best friends easily, I've never had that one person to rely on and when I thought I had, they've disappeared. Sure, I'm not afraid to make friends, I have many... I'm as open and loud as a person can be, but one thing I've learned this year, is I can never be good enough. And that's the hardest part. It's always been the case, and it usually hasn't bothered me, my main thought process has always been - if they don't want me, fuck 'em! and I'm sure I'll continue to use this in the future. I've never really latched on to people, I see some friends who go through boyfriend after boyfriend and I wonder, how do they do it? Are my standards just too high?

And then after 17 years, I finally meet someone who I'm comfortable around, who bothers to contact me and see how I am, who makes me smile when I'm with or without him. Now people have asked me - 'How do you know you're in love? You've never experienced it before, so how do you know?' To be honest, I don't know... but I definitely do know that I would not have gone through the months of internal pain, of self-doubt and inner struggle for something as simple as a crush. And now I've gone and lost that person, that one person who I put all my hope and trust in, and standing back and looking at the situation as a whole, it's just a repetition of the way my life has always been, just on a bigger level.

One day I'll find someone, a friend or a partner who will make it their priority to not let me down, to be there for me and actually bother to spend time with me, because they want to, not because they feel they need to because I've asked them. I've never been so lonely, 2009 is one big pile of shit for me, and I really can't wait until the summer when I can relax and realise who my true friends are, because at the moment, my only true friends are my Mum, Dad and family. I really don't know what I'd do without them.

Now we're heading towards the summer, this year is finally looking a little brighter for me, I spend less time crying and more time laughing. I'm determined to go back to my old ways, because I'm fed up of caring about people who don't give a shit. Bring on the end of exams, the end of college, the day trips and Cyprus, it's just what I need to finally get rid of that sinking feeling that has dominated me since December. I want someone to share these things with. I just want to be me again.