let's fly away...

This Sunday I'm jetting off to Cyprus and I'm hoping being away from this damn place for two weeks will help me sort my head out a little. In a dream world I'm planning to come back golden-brown, with a positive outlook for the rest of the year, but realistically I'm going to come back blotchy and burnt and slip straight back into my mood swings as soon as I step off the plane. Although, since when have I lived realistically?

By the time I come back, it won't be long before my friends go to university, which means little time for nights out and spending time with them. We aren't joined at the hip but it's nice to know they're down the road. This year however, 90% of my friends are going away so my loner status is gonna be sky-high. I'll miss them but we're still gonna visit each other and go out when we can. Meanwhile, I'll be staying in the doom and gloom of Sutton... I'm not totally sure this is the right choice for me for many reasons, but I'm hoping if I'm only in the art centre, doing art (obviously) it will be different from the previous year. Plus now, I have a car so instead of having to hang around in my stupidly long breaks or waiting for the bus in the town, I can go home. I know I have a lot and I know I'm very well off, but all I'm asking for next year is plain happiness. This year has been so difficult, I don't want to experience it again for as long as possible. Next year can't be worse, it would have to work hard to be worse. I'm going to be celebrating this New Year more than any other. :)

So yes... I acquired a car, a little shiny red KA and I love it. It's nippy, it's new-looking and it's very spacious considering what you'd think if you gave it a glance, so it's finally nice to be able to get from A to B without getting up an extra half an hour early, walking down (usually in rain) to the bus stop, waiting with weird people, getting on a dusty smelly bus and walking from the bus stop to said destination. Plus, I get to have whatever I want on the radio without my mother turning it down at the first sign of modern music. If it's not Smooth FM, it just won't do!

I've noticed recently that I'm turning into a girl... a girly girl I mean, it's not like I'm a boy ;) but I've never been interested in all the shoes/bags/purses malarky. In the past 2/3 weeks, I have bought 6 pairs of shoes, a bag and 2 purses. I wore my new shoes out last night and they are so so SO gorgeous! They are infact, pure sex. They aren't too uncomfy either, or is it that I just don't notice when I'm that drunk? It was a brilliant night anyway, I haven't been out in a while and I won't be for the next couple of weeks but yeah, I went to bed last night with sore feet, ringing ears, bruises all over and lack of balance. Wonderful. :)

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Sore feet, dancing and good times...

First things first, I love being 18. I don't want to get any older than this, I am adamant that my 19th birthday will never happen because that means one year later, I will be in my 20's and will be kissing goodbye to the good times. Okay, so I get to drink, vote, go clubbing, whatever... but I still feel about 3, where is the sense? The other day I was with Dad in a car garage waiting for the sales assistant to help us, and I was surprisingly drawn to the little table in the corner piled high with multi-coloured bricks. The day building bricks as high as you can doesn't interest you anymore is the day you have become a very boring adult. Bring on the lego!

I've been out twice this week and had GOOD TIMEZZZZ! The first for Carlys 18th which didn't end too great at The Pro but was a good night out in the town with Tom, Eddy, Lucy, Loz... and then once again, after work last night. Several drinks and lots of money and dancing later with Vicki, Kellie & Co, I headed home with my gorgeous cheese and tomato pizza. I think eating really lowered the chance of me getting a hangover today and it worked. Hurrah! I also long for the day when some genius invents comfortable high heels, because they just don't exist. My poor poor feet, why do we girls do this to ourselves? To look good, yes... but to feel good? NO. Oh wonderful wonderful plasters... aaaahh.

So if you've read my last blog, you'll know I took my driving test on Monday and it sucks because I failed. Well actually, I'm only kidding so yeah, I passed first time with 2 minors and was exceptionally happyyyy! I haven't been out driving yet because I don't have a car so that's frustrating, especially when I have to wait in the rain for the bus. We've been searching around but for some reason, people seem to like writing off their cars. Are there any safe drivers out there?! So this is the end of having money, goodbye money. Now that I'm old enough to go out and get in places, I won't be able to anyway because I'll be moneyless. Fortunately, because it's the kids holidays and Harry Potter has just came out, I've been getting more hours at work.

So yeah, here's to hoping I find a car soon! *clink*

... on every page of your imagination.

I celebrated my 18th birthday on the 4th July so I'm now legally allowed to watch 18-rated films, drink and vote. Not that I care so much about the voting, I've never been one for politics, but hey! Maybe I will. I went to the theatre the other day and I bought a Malibu and Coke just because I could, it was a great feeling. ;) Only problem is, before you're 18 you get asked for ID every single damn place you go, but oh no - as soon as you become a legal adult... it's like they KNOW. There isn't much satisfaction that comes from asking for a drink legally without being ID'ed. I don't want to grow up though, yes I can legally do all this stuff that I couldn't do before but I will never get the same amount of satisfaction as I had when I was a child - when anything could have surprised me, when I found the littlest things so absurdly amazing. I want to remain a child inside. I want to be Peter Pan. I'm an 18 year old Peter Pan.

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You know that place between sleep and awake...

the place where you can still remember dreaming?

That's where I'll always love you.

That's where I'll be waiting.

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I've had a musical theatre week since writing here - I took a friend along to see We Will Rock You at the birmingham Hippodrome and I would recommend it to anyone who likes Queen. When you tell people they automatically assume it's one of those things that completely ruins the music and is a big cheese-ball fest but no, it was simply amazing and a real good time. On Saturday Mum, Auntie Rosena, and my friend Cynthia and I went down to London so me and Cynth could see Wicked. It was a really nice day, and I'm happy to say, she LOVED it. Waiting at the stage door in the rain has never been so fun.

I did have a scare on Friday night though, it's quite funny. Cynthesis stopped over night and about 2am in the morning, I was lying on the blow up bed in the living room floor, with her on the sofa, the cat at my feet... I sat up and actually believed the cat was dead. My heart started racing, she wasn't moving, I actually started nudging the cat going 'Cynthia, I've killed the cat, I've killed the cat...' - I've never seen my cat fully asleep, only snoozing because she stays downstairs in the utility usually... so there she was, most probably fast asleep with me shaking her and she stays in the same position and I'm panicking. Until she opens her eyes and gives me what can only be described as a cat's death stare. Well I'm SORRY if I love my cat so much. Hmph.

My driving test is coming up real quick, it's very very soon. The same time, same date as my friends. If one of us fails, one of us passes, oh it's gonna be so bad. If I pass it will make this year a whole lot better, because I could do with some luck/happiness. I'd also like to say Happy Birthday to my Mum yesterday, I'm sure she wouldn't like me to comment on her age but even if she is 49 I still love her. ;)

It's not long now until the results of my A2 year at college, well... a month or so. I honestly don't think I've done very well due to various reasons this past year... distractions, depression... and I don't think I could have done much better. Life is full of bad timing, and the problems I've endured this year are certainly bad timing. As long as I know the reasoning behind the results, whether good or bad, then it's fine for me - I did my best in the circumstances given. The only way I can describe what earlier this year felt like is the phrase I saw whilst reading New Moon which stood out for me:

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It's like heaven, slap bang in the middle of hell.

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The majority was hell, but the times with him were heaven. College was the last of my worries so I fell behind, and if I could have focused and been happier, I would have. So, good luck to everyone who will be receiving their results soon, be proud of them whatever they are!

Last of all, I have been feeling differently lately, yes I'm fairly happy but there is an underlying nagging that crops up and I don't know what it is exactly. I know what triggers it, yes, the same problem that's been there since November last year. When I say I'm meh, when I'm just okay, it's because I can remember. I'm having a bad day because I'm playing all the good memories in my head that have happened, and I don't think anyone can grasp a concept of what he meant... no, what he means to me. Nothing will ever change that, and I don't think I'll feel the same way about anyone for ages. I hope I will eventually. If you know what it feels like to lose the ability to hate due to love, then you will understand. I hope one day I can wake up and ignore the old feelings, the memories that remind me how special that whole time was, the most exhilarating, alive, confusing and depressing period of time in my life. Until then I'll smile, get up, go out, go to sleep and try my hardest to push it aside because as they say - all good things must come to an end.

Woohoo!

This past week has been eventful, lots of stuff to do. First of all we had to organise for my early 18th party, which was stupidly early but I'm going out this weekend because I can... so see you there! Thankyou to everyone for coming to my party, you were all awesome, even though most of us ended up outside because of the the heat, which may I say, has been so not England this week. It's really hot, it got up to 30 degrees yesterday here, which isn't hot in places like Australia and such, but HERE... oh dear. I also want to point out how awesome my cake was for my party, I didn't make the actual cake, but I iced it and it was super-dooper-good. I made 3 figures, 2 of them were Elphaba and Galinda from Wicked, standing either side of a yellow brick road which wound down the cake onto the board, where I put blue paper down to represent the sea, and then placed the 3rd figure of Jack Sparrow on it next to an icing Black Pearl. HAH! It's ace, and you know it!

So, the day after my party which was a nightmare due to the fact my feet killed from my high heels, me and my cousin headed off to London for the UK premiere of Public Enemies. We got there the day before as we'd booked into a hotel and met Toni and her mum. Me and Helen went to Kensington Gardens the night before - it was so pretty, everyone was out in the lovely weather, and another reason why I went there was the fact that Finding Neverland was filmed there and I wanted to find 'the bench.' Turns out, I got the wrong bench, yeah, that's right, I sat on the next one up from it. Maybe next time, huh? *EDIT* Since this post, I've watched the film and worked out that they must have swapped benches for different camera angles, so he did sit on this one. :) Not such a waste of time. Well... I'm still sad but I don't care. We headed back to our hotel after a healthy MacDonalds and I met up with Toni before bed, we chilled out for a couple of hours and then headed up to our rooms.

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Next morning, we got up at 5:20am which was ridiculously early but so worth it. And after a day of waiting like some sad idiot-arseholes, we met the one and only Johnny Depp. Lots of sunshine, boredom, crushing and pushing for 2 seconds with the man, and it was all soooo worth it. I asked him to sign my painting and he said 'oh wow yeah' and then after said to me it was a very nice painting. Cue happy Sarah! It's the second time of meeting him, so I'm pretty lucky. He's ace. I also stole one of the Public Enemies boards which is now in my room along with the one from the POTC2 premiere 3 years ago. Thanks to Helen for coming with me, and everyone I met there, including Toni, Carol, Emma, Safia, Dragon, Daniel and so on...

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I was knackered after, and really sticky from the heat in the tube stations, so I welcomed a shower and my bed. Got up the next day to go to the early staff screening of Public Enemies the day after, which was awesome, weird, but good! I keep forgetting things lately, I've forgot college inductions, driving lessons... it's mad.

I met up with Emma yesterday and we chilled out for a bit, before I headed off to work, and thats pretty much all I've done. My driving test is looming up, and my birthday is tomorrow, so bring it all on! :) Oh... and this year IS getting better!

Lots and lots and lots...

... of stuff to do. :)

First of all, I'VE FINISHED COLLEGE! Yes... my last exam was Friday. It was hard and I've probably failed but I don't care! I'M FREE! I practically squealed. A Levels can kiss my ass goodbye, bring on my art course next year. All I've got for the next 3 months is work, and I don't work that often. This is the part where this year should get a lot better. So bye bye Sutton for now, I hate you, good riddance.

I've had a few BBQs since I last wrote in here, the weathers been fairly nice. I also went to Alton Towers on Wednesday with Luke and his mates. It was an ace day but it absolutely tipped it down and we got soaked! Thanks Luke for making it a really good day, love you. :) And thanks to the woman on the Runaway Mine Train - your 'choo-choo's, oh yeahhs, and welcome to the runaway mineee trainnn!'s will never be forgotten. :)

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I've got a lot coming up at the moment, it's my 18th party on Saturday which is weird because I'm 18 the week after, ugh. Hopefully that'll go well cause I'm kinda regretting it now due to the pressure to entertain. Lets just hope at least one person turns up. ;) Then on to Sunday... me and my cousin are going to London to stay over in a hotel with Toni and her mum, and then we're going to get up ridiculously early for the Public Enemies premiere. It's gonna be maddd, but I'm so excited, being in London is awesome in itself. Then it's my birthday! :) I'll finally be 18, which means I'm getting old... and soon I'll be 20... then 30... then 70... then non-existent.

Zoe leaves in 2 days, I popped around to see her yesterday and she's coming around tomorrow... meh. When she's gone, I will really and truly be an even bigger loner than before. GOOD LUCK IN CYPRUS ZO!

Anyway, I'll post back in here after all this commotion has happened. :) I've also got WWRY on 7th July and Wicked on 11th July... and then Cyprus, WOOP WOOP! :) Ciaooo!

So long and farewell...

I haven't done much since I last wrote, it's practically the end of college now (I finish properly next Friday) but most of my lessons no longer exist and I only have 2 exams left - one of them is General Studies so that doesn't really count. Last Thursday I sat 3 exams and then actually looked forward to going to work afterwards, I was so glad they were over. They didn't go very well at all, I got so bored in the General Studies exam I was actually glad I was next to the wall to lean on and snooze. :) I wrote quite a lot, and I DID try considering how much I hate it... but then again I thought I did okay last year and I got a U, so who knows? :) I re-sat one of those and received an A though, I don't know how that happened. I'm pretty sure I've failed french with flying colours, most of the girls in my class are native french speakers, and the other girl wants to do languages as a career, so there they all were... writing away, finishing early and I was sitting wondering what the hell I was doing there. It was SO hard. I'm not being pessimistic when I say I've failed, I'm being REALISTIC.

I've ditched my huge FRIENDS drawing for now, I always switch back and forth between artwork, and I've started an A1 acrylic painting of Johnny Depp dressed as Jack Sparrow in his trailer. It's going really well so far, and I can't wait until it's finished. I might try and sell it, people keep telling me to sell my art. I don't like parting with them though, haha...

I've also been watching Finding Neverland again, and I'm in love with Freddie Highmore. His scene in the garden when he gets upset is amazing, so go Freddie!

I've just found out the UK premiere date for Public Enemies as well, so I'm gonna try and go to that and get JD to sign one of my art pieces. Wish me luck!

Zoe took me out for my surprise early 18th birthday present on Tuesday 9th June, she wouldn't tell me what it was and then finally revealed on the day that she was taking me to see... THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES. Yes, that's right. I was so excited when I found out, and amused. I'd spoke to her about it before, saying it looked hilarious and I wanted to see it some day but that was ages ago so I had no idea. We went for a meal before hand at the pub where she works, and then walked to the Lichfield Garrick. People had told me it was meant to be funny, so I went into it positively, and it really really was the most hilarious thing I've seen in yonks. I advise anyone going to see it to think carefully about the amount of eye make-up they wear because it will be running down your cheeks, no matter how hard you try to control it. It's not the sort of thing you can go back and report to your family though, you can't really go and say 'Ohhh, yeah! It was wonderful Dad, I especially loved the part where they mimicked all the different types of orgasm moans! And when they recited all the different names for the vagina. Really top notch!'

I'd like to thank Zoe for doing that, it really meant a lot - she knows I like theatre so she went out and found something she knew I'd like, and it was amazing. Zoe, if you're reading this - you're my best friend and I'm gonna miss you so much when you cart yourself off to Cyprus in 2 weeks or so. I'm glad I'm coming over in August, we can party up Cyprus style, it'll be great! :D I hope everything goes okay for you on your travels, with James and just in general. You deserve all the happiness in the world, and you deserve to have a car that isn't multi-coloured, so good luck for that in the future. =) Je t'aime. And always remember, whenever you're in doubt, whenever you find yourself in a pickle, think back to the words of wisdom that will forever be lodged in your head...

ENGAGE BRAIN.

A bientôt, amigo!

P.S. I just want to quickly add... I PASSED MY THEORY DRIVING TEST!

My practical is now booked, but I'm not telling when. :)

I Wanna Have... A 99 Flake On The Beach!

So yeah, not a good week for me. Whenever I think I'm getting better, something happens to knock me back down again. The sunshine has been brilliant though! <3

On Friday, there was a family argument that hit me hard, and I actually thought the worse. And it's still there in the back of my mind, it's bound to happen again. It does every couple years, but one day it'll be the last, which I really don't want to think about. I'm still kind of low about the news I received last week, so I'm pretty lost.

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I did have a brilliant day yesterday though, thanks to my friend Zoe. She suggested we go down the beach as the weather was meant to be really nice, so we left about 9am and got there for 11:30am. It's a lovely beach, tons of sand and usually a pier, but that burnt down...

We sat and ate fish and chips (which is compulsory for an english person at the seaside) and then a 99 Mr Whippy. Okay so I had two... the healthy eating is going really well. We then went for a spot of sunbathing, which turned out to be way too long. The temperature was about 27-30 degrees in the sunlight, I think... not sure, which is pretty hot for May time in England. There was a nice breeze but it kept blowing sand into the suntan lotion and pissing us off, so we moved around the corner where there wasn't as much breeze. It was really nice being able to relax and it completely took my mind off this year. I took a walk along the beach on my own by the sea, which at Weston Super-Mare is like... a mile out. I waded out a bit but it was pretty cold. I'd been warned about the tide going out but I didn't think it'd be as drastic as it was. A couple of hours later I went to paddle again and ended up in a vast expanse of sludgey crap staring at the sea in the far off distance. Which I then couldn't wash off until we found a tap... lovely. :)

Okay, so lovely day, it felt so nice and peaceful. I took the camera and I've uploaded some pictures to my Facebook. About 5 I realised I was burning so we got up to leave, and I soon realised I had contracted a serious case of lobster disease. It hurt in the car on the way home, there was the definitive outline of my shorts and bikini, the rest of me was red. So anyway, in the car on the way back we were stuck in a queue on the dual carriage-way and this car pulled up next to us with some guys in. They had an inflatable sheep which had been signed and they asked us to sign it and put our number on. I did, Zoe didn't. :D It was pretty random, but a bit of fun. About 45 minutes later, I had an answer phone message from one of the guys, in their cool Southern accents telling me to reply 1. Single 2. Hot (cause they couldn't remember who I was) and 3. If they stood a chance. ;) I replied 1, hopefully 2 and probably not 3 as they lived so far away. He gave me a call and he was pretty cute and made me laugh, haha. :) Just a bit of fun. I got back and my sunburn pain intensified and now I'm currently dying. I'm pure red on my legs and back, and I can't walk without looking like a constipated chicken. I couldn't actually go into college today even though I wanted to, so OUCH.

I have my driving theory test tomorrow, I've been doing small bits of revision but I'm going to do some more tonight, I'm scared for the hazard perception test to be honest. Hopefully I pass, and if I do, I'm booking my practical straight away because I want to get it over and done with. I have three exams this Thursday, and then work straight after, so wish me luck for that. I hope the pain has lessened tomorrow so I can go to my theory without looking like a constipated lobster. Also, when I was talking to my friend about my year and how I've been feeling, she said it sounded like I have anxiety, so I've searched it up and it does seem like that. Things WILL get better.

Anyway, I'm off to chill out, because lets face it, I can't do much else. :)